4 Responses

  1. Gail Reid
    | Reply

    Oh, hun :-(

    I most certainly do not envy you this. About fourteen years ago I was going through my own shizz like this. Not the blues, not feeling unhappy with my lot, ‘proper’ depression. Because of the limits my body seems to have placed on me over the past few years I have days, even weeks, where all I seem to do is cry.

    Yet this, I know, will pass pretty quickly as I realise it is a temporary poor me I’m housebound and want to be out type thing. I dust myself off and get on with it…. Whatever *it* is…..

    When my mind seemed to have taken over the situation I was more mobile, and there certainly was no crying involved. It was no feelings at all, really, if you see what I mean? You probably don’t lol..the pain this week has been playing tricks on me hehe…things I think are totally normal I have said to family have been met with blank stares and, ok, mum, just get some rest. Hehe.

    Now, some days I have to crawl to the toilet as my legs are being idiots, yet am never in the hole I was in back then. People think I am crazy when I compare the two and say I would much rather have the more pain andbeing housebound than to go back there even for a short while. I could get out, yet I couldn’t appreciate anything. I felt nothing. Now, inside, I feel things so much more, even the upsetting feelings…..I like to feel. .

    O god that probably made no sense at all and I probably lost you at the first sentence, for that I apologise. Pretend I came here and just said

    Hug hug hug and lots of love to you and Mrs blackbird xxxxx <3

    • Jane Waterman
      | Reply

      Hi Sweetheart,

      Thanks so much for your letter, hon. It actually all makes perfect sense, so I don’t know if that means I’m crazy too. :) That’s the most difficult part for me – the not being able to feel. I feel like a stone statue sometimes. I’ve been living with my depression all my adult life… and as you say, there are functional times, and then there’s times when it seems to dominate my waking and sleeping thoughts. I get so mad at myself for being this robot-like thing, and yet even that’s muted too, and it all seems too much.

      My counsellor wants me to practice compassion instead of the usual beating myself up, so I’m just trying to focus on not beating myself up as the first step to being kinder to myself.

      Thank you for all the love, hugs, and the empathy. I can see how much you understand, hon.

      Hugs and lots of love,
      Jane
      <3 xxxx <3

  2. Maggie
    | Reply

    My dear Mrs Blackbird, WOW. How did you do all that writing inn such an astonishing fashion. I heard every word that was written as if you were speaking directly to me. I do not handle the dark times well. I have several ghosts that tend to think they own my thoughts and actions. I fight but do not always win however you express the event as if it were a movie I am watching. You are not alone in these battles. You have a friend you didn’t know about who wants to say Thank You for putting the agony in writing. God Bless you

    • Jane Waterman
      | Reply

      Dear Maggie,

      Thank you so much for your sweet, kind letter. *gentle hugs* I truly wish that nobody had to understand what major depression is like. It so often seems that some of the most gentle and sensitive souls are the ones who battle hardest with it. Yet it means the world to me that you would reach out and send comfort “across the airwaves” to me. Your words reflect things that I can’t easily see or feel when struggling, and it means a lot that you would take time to reach out.

      Thank you, and many blessings, hon.
      Love Jane

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