The most dangerous thing you can do when you have a tendency to dissociate is to try to be unaware. However, when the physical and mental self brings you a great deal of pain, it’s unavoidable sometimes. Being possessed of a legacy of family and friends who purport to know you well and urge you not to reflect on it (it being pain, emotion, or thought itself) is not helpful.
It would be easier I suppose to be blissfully unaware – to float through life unconscious in a sea of forgetfulness. But is it really living? Sometimes you have to stop floating, right yourself, kick through the currents, take in a lungful of air and water, and wake up.
In being authentic, I am forced to look at all those aspects of myself that others find shameful – that others feel I should rightly dissociate myself from. It would be nice if I could be totally palatable, sweet, digestible, and somehow acceptable all the time. But then it wouldn’t be me. It would be the persona you want to see. And yes, I have a lot of skill in displaying personas. But imagine if you loved me well enough to want to see the real me, whoever that might be at the time?
I want to come to see you, to meet you on level ground, to talk as people who know and love each other well. But I’m afraid that the familiar masks might fall over my face and I would become, once more, the person you want to see. Not the person I am.
I’d rather be here out to sea, treading water to stay afloat, dipping into the waters of awareness, than the automaton you claim is me.
I have changed so much. Will you ever change enough to really see me?