The Fog

posted in: chronic illness | 2
Reflections © 2004 Jane Waterman
Reflections © 2004 Jane Waterman

Sometimes I feel like I’m speaking into a void, but the void is of my own making. I step closer to being authentic, to being who I am, but I hold onto the fears of who will judge me, what will people think, etc? Many years ago, a counsellor told me that I needed to make the shift to being inside my own head, my own skin, instead of being on the outside, looking in, from a dissociative distance.

Inhabiting myself and my body has been difficult for a long time. I have rejected it many times, over its distance from who I once was, and who I perceive me to be. I sense people looking at me in that strangely disconnected way, and my soul aches, but truly, I can’t blame them for doing so.

I haven’t looked at myself without a critical eye for so many years, that it’s no wonder I project the very fake persona that people so often see and that I dread, because of its distance from who I truly am. I work tirelessly to be useful, to be anything but the waste of space that false persona seems to be. But the mask is slipping, at last.

Last night, when I realized that someone had reacted to me in the very way I dread, I not only realized I project that false persona subconsciously – it is present in my very energy field. It is one of the last lines of defence, and it is hard to let go of, for fear my gentle, inner self – the one that was always slammed for being too naive and too good to be true – will be left stripped bare in a final blast of hatred.

Last night I spoke these words and, for the first time, I meant them, “It’s their loss, if they don’t want to know me. I’m a great person.” Not great in achievement, in ego, or perhaps in any other measurable indicator, but in heart and soul, I am powerful, precious, and beautiful.

It only took me forty years to learn that.

2 Responses

  1. Arden
    | Reply

    "I am powerful, precious, and beautiful. It only took me forty years to learn that."
    Funny, I thought of you that way when we first met many years ago…

    "I hold onto the fears of who will judge me, what will people think, etc?"
    If I'm gonna hold high the cause of the dandelion, which I am known for in the "real" world, among other whacky things I spout, I cannot worry about what people think. You know, worrying about what other people think, never did me any good, except in the case of those rare beings that can actually be an important guidepost in our lives, and frankly I don't run into them too often. Even then it's not so much worrying, as being open to their imput/observations. If you pick up something useful, great, if not it's no big ….

  2. Jane
    | Reply

    Arden! Heart brother! (((HUGE HUGGS))) I have thought of you so often lately (more so than usual!), and here you are! I guess it's because you ARE one of those important guideposts that I do trust and value what you have to say. You are one of the wisest, most compassionate and beautiful men I've ever known. Thank you for dropping by, for warming my heart with smiles and tears, and for being you. Please know you are always welcome here. I had planned to ask you to link to your website, so now you're here, may I? :)

    P.S. I can NEVER look at a dandelion and not think of you. :)

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