Where I Stand

posted in: chronic illness | 2

I’m taking part in WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge

Day 16 #HAWMC – Tell us 3 things that are true about you, your condition, or your Health Activism. Tell us 1 lie. Will we be able to tell the difference?

Where I Stand © 2013 Jane Waterman
Where I Stand © 2013 Jane Waterman

I’m improvising with this prompt.

I’m in a weird space tonight. I cried while recounting what was supposed to be a humorous anecdote about a past job interview to my job-seeking daughter. I felt okay about it. I don’t usually cry (as much as I feel I want to – sometimes I think it’s the Sjogren’s, and other times, I don’t know), so when it comes, I welcome it. Even as I dried my tears, I felt I really wanted to cry some more, but it’s hard to explain why when you’re crying for no reason.

I’m not a fan of some of the prompts during this challenge, and was getting ready to call it quits. My pain is bad, my part-time work is giving my swiss-cheese brain a run for its money (my OCD list-keeping habits are not turning out to be such a blessing, as I think I need a master list of where all the lists are), and all I want to do is sleep. After talking it out with Mrs Blackbird (my better half), she reminded me that I didn’t have to post every day. I think I’m okay with that.

I could tell you a little about where I stand right now in my life. I had a bone scan yesterday. No big deal – I had one about 4 years ago to see if I had any signs of Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was also at the same department some time after for a heart stress test, after my heart appeared to poop out during an emergency surgery back in 2008. I was back there yesterday. For a bone scan, it’s an hour each way to the hospital, the test has two parts, with a 3 hour wait in between for my bones to start glowing – or not. The parking was still outrageous: $2.75 an hour. No wonder some kind folks accost you at the machine and ask if you’d like to use the time on their ticket! Even if the test is easy, the trip’s a killer for someone with Sjogren’s syndrome fatigue.

This current scan is purportedly to see if I have a bone infection or bone cancer. I don’t think I do. I do have unrelenting, stabbing pain in my right side, which I’ve had since early 2011. The nurse/technician that injected me with the radioactive isotopes asked where the pain was. I showed her, and she said without hesitation, “Gallbladder”. My naturopath felt the doctor was reaching with this scan, and has also been leaning in the liver/gallbladder direction. I usually believe in science, but science hasn’t helped me with Sjogren’s syndrome. I don’t mind believing that the nurse/technician was some earth-bound angel pointing out the truth to make my journey a little easier.

Not that it makes any difference if she’s right. I’ve asked for more scans, and the doctors are insisting there was nothing there a year ago, so there’s nothing there now. I think the doctors are looking in all the wrong places. I can pinpoint my pain. Some days I just want to dig it out and say, see, there it is! Of course, doing so is a sure way to cause more pain, not to mention, to be shipped off to the psych ward. The good news is, with the lack of beds, I’d be out in a couple of hours anyway!

The pain is getting worse. I’m concerned that we’re going down that same rabbit hole of catastrophic medicine that led to the emergency op back in 2008. I’m hoping I can talk some sense into the doctors. I’m hoping that with logic, positive thinking, and time, I can talk them into going back to where they’ve already been.

That’s where I stand.

Blessings,
Jane

P.S. There is, after all, an untruth in this post. I believe my regular readers will be able to spot it quite easily. <3

2 Responses

  1. Christina @momof2t1s
    | Reply

    Im not a regular reader – just decided to click your link on the HAWMC page. Your blog title intrigued me. I don't talk about my depression on my blog. My blog is about my kids diabetes. I don't talk about my depression because it isn't like so many of my friends. I can go long stints with no issues then something tiny will set it off and Ill spend a week secluded from everything I can avoid.

    I don't know what your untruth would be since I don't know you. I also can't promise I will remember to come back to read more posts. These days Im very absent minded, overcommitted, and it seems late on everything. I like participating in HAWMC – (oh by the way if any of the posts I suggested are not your favorites – sorry – they were suggested sometime between 1 and 3am on my third almost allnighter in a row due to diabetes shenanigans. I honestly didn't think WEGO would use them or identify me. oops.) Last year I met a few people via HAWMC that I hold more dear to my heart than some long time real life friends. We don't share illnesses – just a passion for laughter, love and advocacy.

    I do hope your doctors hear you and are responsive. I also hope your current pain can be identified and resolved in a not so intrusive manner.

    One last thing – I love you art. you are very talented.

    best regards always.

    Christina

    • Jane Waterman
      | Reply

      I'm sorry that you have to experience at depression at all. I wouldn't wish it on anyone! I have experienced it since I was 22, perhaps earlier, and I'm now 46… I never really did want to sit down and figure out exactly when it began!

      Hehe, there's no worries about coming back to read. I appreciate your dropping by. I can relate totally to absent-minded and over-committed. Please don't take my comment about the prompt personally. It was more a reflection of the day I'd had before in particular, the pain I was presently in, and the difficulty in coming up with posts according to a prompt. It's not my natural writing style, which is to ramble all over the place.

      Like you, I have met some amazing people through WEGO. I feel very blessed. Pretty much all my friends are online. I think it's the nature of the beast when living with or caring for someone with a chronic illness.

      Many thanks for the comment about my art. Creating digital art is something I enjoy very much, and the computer makes it so much easier for me!

      Many blessings,
      Jane

      P.S. I'll copy this to your email in case you don't get back here.

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